Letting Go

My question of the day? Where do I belong? Today is a rough one. Not really what you expect for a Thanksgiving post, right? Downright selfish. Let me explain.

I am so incredibly thankful for everything in my life. God and I have been on a roller coaster ride this year, but I am so thankful for Him and the salvation that I receive even though I don't deserve it. I'm thankful for my husband, who I've also been on the roller coaster of life with recently. Our circumstances have been hard lately, really hard, but he has stuck with me, still loves me and forgives me on a daily basis. He still tangles his feet with mine each night with unconditional love. I'm thankful for my son, who challenges me and gets more independent DAILY. He's my pride and joy and I live for those moments when I ask for a kiss and he leans in and makes a smacking noise and buries his head in my chest. There are a million other things I'm thankful for... a roof over our heads, my family, my in-laws, friends, food, my creative juices that produce so much joy.

So why am I feeling so blue? Well, this is the first Thanksgiving in four years that my parents have been in the state of California. They are spending it with my grandparents, my brother and his family, and my brother's in-laws. I'm extremely happy that they get to be with family, but in reality... I'm lonely.

We are at my in-laws. My husband has spent the day with his dad in his room, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law have kidnapped my child, and my brother-in-law has been in and out all day. Every time my little guy comes in and I try to be with him, play with him, feed him, whatever, my mother-in-law seems to override me in every sense of the word. All day, more anger and hurt has built up because I don't feel supported and I downright feel like I'm a failure. Adding insult to injury, all my little guy wants is what everyone else is offering, not Mommy.

I didn't get to talk to my family until the afternoon, and I didn't hear from one single friend wishing me a happy thanksgiving (until after I texted them)... Okay, that last part may seem weird, but we've spent many Thanksgivings down at my in-laws and I've enjoyed every year hearing from my friends all day, knowing that I'm thought of. This year, it wasn't there... Instantly, I don't blame them... I think... How bad of a friend am I that no one thinks of me? Life is so hard.

I know God is good. I know there is a purpose in this sorrow and season of life. I know there is. But this is real life. Of course, I go on Instagram and FB and see these happy, smiling faces and yummy huge meals, and I could get jealous, knowing that's not where I'm at. I could join them with a family photo of our own (the one of 27 that our little one was smiling because I was tickling his leg), but I don't do either of those. My husband often reminds me that Insta and FB are snapshots of the best of everyone's life, it doesn't show the whole picture.

I know that I have a happy life, a happy family, and friends that love me.  I'm just in a low place and even as I'm writing, my spirits are being lifted. I don't know if it's just letting out my feelings, admitting the pain and feelings that I've been feeling all day. Or maybe it's truly God lifting my burden, because it's too heavy for me to carry on my own. I want to believe it's the second. He knows my sorrows. He wants to carry my burden, but I have to admit that I'm hurting and that I can't do it on my own in order for God to help me. I like to take control, even if it just is holding onto anger. I have control of that. But a simple little exercise that my dad taught me when I was a little girl comes to mind. Anytime I was angry and wouldn't let go of control, my dad would make me uncross my arms, unclench my fists, and hold out my hands with my palms up. Doing that always made me drop my defenses and I would picture my control being let go and floating up to God. I know that might sound completely hokey, but it's what I imagined as a little girl and I still do, to this day. Tonight, as I sat at the table before writing, I sat in front of my computer for a few minutes with my hands out, palms up. I know God has my control in his hands, along with my worry, my hurt, my anger, and my sorrow. Things will turn around. I know it.

I'm thankful for this season, as difficult as it may seem right now. I am. At least I'm learning in this process and hopefully will continue to grow in my faith and in character. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope and pray that you all are able to count your blessings, even in the low places in life. It's real life people. It happens and God is good... all the time!

Sweet Moments and Late Nights

Life is crazy right now. Uncertain. Busy. Disheartening.

So... we're 9 months down the road and still not quite sleeping through the night. Our little guy is still waking up about once a night (at least), but because of this stubborn momma, he's learned to soothe himself and go back to sleep.

Last night was a different story. You moms will know what I mean. I woke up to a screaming baby. SCREAMMMING. I woke up with a start, quickly pushed my phone's screen on. 2:08am. Ugghhhh. My stubborn streak screamed, "Let him figure it out." But something else told me,"Go to him." I obeyed the second voice. I was met by my little 9 month old with tears streaming down his face. My first thought... "I hate teething! I need sleep." I would have normally popped in his pacifier, laid him on his back, and left the room. Last night was different. I picked up my little guy and felt him take a breath of relief, then try to settle in my arms, but he was restless and continued to fuss. I gave him those fabulous natural teething tablets and fought the urge to put him down and get myself back to bed. I held him. I held him tight. I took him in my arms and started singing. The songs I started with were his usual "Jesus Loves Me," and "Mommy Loves Tre" to the tune of Frere Jacques. Then worship songs started pouring out of my mouth. By the third or fourth song, my wiggly, always ready to move son was nestled on my chest, breathing the deep breaths of sleep.

I was in little man's room for about 15 minutes total, but for the first time, I didn't want it to end. I could picture in my head 5 years from now, yearning for these moments of dependability and pure surrender into Mommy's arms. After putting him back in his crib, I lingered a bit, loving these precious moments. I'm tired. I'd love for this little guy to sleep through the whole night on a consistent basis, but I'll never have this time back. I love him... at every hour of every day.

And then, as I'm writing this, I realize... God feels the same way for all of his children... but times a million. He longs for us to want him, cry for him, find comfort in him. He wants us to find our greatest joy in Him. If we do this, we bring Him joy and we are safe in His arms.

In all the uncertainty of life right now, I cry out to Him. I want to rest in Him, knowing that we're safe and He's got a plan for all this craziness.

New life...

So... I've had this blog for a few years... written once or twice, not shared it with ANYONE... just a place for me to write. Well... my life is different, very, very different... and it's time to share. Time to step out of my little world and share my life... my heart, my God, my family, just plain old me!

So I mentioned I have a new life. Well there are several changes that I'd probably need to share for you to understand. First of all, I'm a mom! Wait, what?!?!?! Yep... my little guy is 8 1/2 months old! Holy cow! He's one of the hugest joys of my life. I guess that's what this post is about... my joys! Adjusting to life being a mom has been the craziest experience. That in itself should be a post, and will be in the future.

The second change in my life is that I have a new career. It's called being a professional stay-at-home. Wait... again... what? It's TRUE! I have given up my eight year career of teaching for a new one. Yes, I'm completely overwhelmed with joy that my husband and I have made this decision for my family, but it's a complete and total change of perspective and lifestyle.

The next change is my spiritual life. Okay...one more time... wait, what?!?!? I thought that you were a good Christian girl that loved Jesus and wanted to live her life out loud. Well, okay. Yep... that's what I thought too. But I guess that's a mind shift too. I truly do love Jesus... that's no different, but here I go.... putting myself out there... I don't think that I've loved Jesus to the fullest. I "used" him when I needed him. But now... I LOVE JESUS! I want to share him with everyone I meet. I want to read about Him. I want to learn more about Him. I want to talk about Him. I want to pray all the time. I have been at my church for almost seven years, and honestly, been "joyed" to death. I finally have gotten the picture. I have purpose and drive to find joy in Him.

So, that's me in a nutshell. Lots more to come. (When my busy little guy gives me a chance to write!) :)

It's a "process"

So... there are so many phases of life, and in every stage, it seems that we're always looking forward to the next phase of life, and not necessarily enjoying the current stage. Well... I'm in the next phase and I can't believe I'm finally here. It's totally unreal. You might be saying, "What is she talking about?" Well, let me go backwards a bit... about 5 years...
Spring 2007... I was in love! I had been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, after knowing him for over 5 years. I was ready for the next step... ready to be engaged and ready for that thing called marriage. Well, after a lot of "discussion," I knew it was going to be a while before my guy was going to gt to the same place I was. Then summer happened... pretty hard one. My boyfriend had gotten an awesome "career" job, even though he had a semester of college left. His first day on the job, he woke up puking and thus started his six months of sickness. All summer long, he was up and down, never feeling right, but doing his best to do his job and take his summer class. On the other hand, I was waitressing, had just left one job to start another in the fall. In the least, you could say we were in "transition." We went to a few weddings, and I had the itch. But he assured me, it was going to be a while, even though I was allowed to go look at rings with my best friend. My brother was getting married in August, so I knew that there was no way we could be in that next "stage" yet, but I so wanted to be there. I wasn't content and was always pushing. To say the lead, looking back on the situation, I didn't make it easy on my guy. August 11th came and went, with my brother happily married. I loved it and was so happy for them, but still wanted to be there myself. So... after the wedding, we had an "end of the summer" hoo-haw planned with a visit to friends in Phoenix, followed by a flight up to my parents, then a drive down to his parents. Well, to say the least... that was a perfect setting to get engaged. So, without further ado, August 15th, my life changed... I was in the next phase... an engaged girl.
Fall 2007 ... too long of a story to include in this one, but Carl's sicknesses struck back with a  respiratory infection (on my birthday, no less), that lasted 3 weeks. Then the fever and vomiting came. He ended up in the ER a few night in a row, ending with being admitted to the hospital with possible meningitis. Yep. That was a pretty defining moment in my life. I could lose this man... I just got this new phase of life less than two months ago... I'm supposed to marry this man in less than 10 months. Well, he pulled through. We were standing on the alter 10 months later and I thought, "This is it! I'm finally here. I made it to the next step."
After that day, it was quite an adjustment to get used to marriage. Something I hadn't really prepared myself well for. I don't think I was ready for the challenges, but also the extreme fun that we've been able to have together. Of course, the inevitable happened... the talk about having babies. We had talked before getting married about being married for about two years, then the "Baby talk" would start. Of course, I was ready for this next phase sooner than that, but he wasn't ready. We hit the two year mark, and truly, God made it really clear that we were in no way, shape, or form ready to have  child in the crazy busy life that we led. Since that time, a baby nephew was born and he has been a true joy in our lives, holding me back, enjoying the "auntie" stage, because I knew the "mommy" stage would get here soon enough, but my longing to be a mom never went away. I thought about what it was going to be like to be pregnant, what I'd look like, what our kid was going to look like, how it would act, if it'd be a sleeper or a crier. With all this wonder, I was freaked. I knew, along with all the other phases of life, I couldn't go back.
Fast forward to Fall 2011... I was feeling the itch again... the one I knew all too well that said "I'm over this stage, ready for the next one." It didn't help that EVERYONE we knew was starting to announce that their bundles of joy were coming in the summer. I felt restless. On one hand, I was ready, but on the other hand, fear crept over me because of the unknown. It's been a process to get to this point, have I even learned ANYTHING about contentment?
Well, January came. We had discussed getting "off the pill" and not preventing the baby making anymore, but something really significant happened. We moved. "To  a bigger place to get ready for the new phase?" you might say. Well, no actually. We moved to a smaller apartment, and I realized, I finally did it... I'm content and I totally trust God to take me into the next stage when He's ready to. So, deciding this, at the end of January, I took the leap of faith, stopping taking the medication, and full well knowing that it could take a while for God to bless us into this stage of anticipated parenthood.
Well.. that was short lived. I wasn't sure how my body was going to react to change of hormone levels and everything, but I truly was able to relax and see what God had in store for us... then my period never came.
WHAT?!?!?! I'm pregnant!!!! I can't even tell you how blessed Carl and I both feel... it's unreal. I'm only 7 weeks along, but with every sharp pain, and getting up in the middle of night to pee, I thank God for blessing us with this possibility of a baby. I'm eating the best I can, and just dedicating this child into His arms, praying that he will keep this precious thing safe until I can hold him/her in my arms in November.
Now, with this, I'm trying to take it all in. Not "wish" I was already a parent, but enjoy and have joy in the "process" of preparation. Okay, so I could keep writing and writing and writing, but I'm not going to. There will be many more reflections to come. (isn't it funny that I entered this new phase that is drastically going to change my body, just as I am in the best shape of my life!?!*Last post* God has quite the sense of humor!!!)  Good night for now!

Being Healthy... addicting!

   Sooo... on my 28th birthday in September, I decided that I was going to start my fitness routine back up, and man... has it been awesome! I started on September 17th and went to my first BodyPump class by myself. It was quite the experience. I didn't really now what I was doing, but after one class, I was hooked! I started that day with pretty light weights, just trying to figure out what I was doing. Well, once I get my mind to something, I kind of obsess. So 4 months later, in January, I was a firm believer in going to my BodyPump class three times a week. I started having "my" people and talking to the people around me at my classes Monday nights, Thursday mornings (totally addicted to my 5:30am class), and then on Saturday mornings. There were times I could talk a friend into coming with me, and other times, I'd drag my husband, but mostly, it was a release... A time away from all other people for me to sweat and feel myself getting stronger. Well, after all that time, I thought that maybe I should mix things up a bit and start running. I added a run or two to my weekly schedule and I was feeling good.
    A few weeks ago, my husband, a strength coach, asked me if I felt like I was getting stronger in my classes that I was taking. I thought about it for a little while, and told him that I felt that I was leveling out a bit, so he thought maybe if I mix in some "real" lifting, I could see my progress better. I used to lift quite a bit, when the gym first opened up in Nov. '10, but through various events, sicknesses, etc, I had gotten out of the habit. Soooo... I've been lifting for the last few weeks, mixing in a 24SET or BudyPump class every once in a while. Yesterday, I went with my husband to the gym. We went our separate ways, but when I was to do an "assisted pull-up" and the machine was taken, I went over to Carl and asked him what I should do. He instructed me to go to this machine and do a "jumping pull-up" and then gently let myself down. "Jumping pull-up" is my own personal name for it. Anyways, I did one and he said, "Can you do a real pull up by yourself?" I looked at him like he was crazy. "No." He looked at me and said, "Are you sure?" I said, "I don't know. I've never tried!" So, all that to say... yesterday, I did my first pull up ever... and then I did two more after that!!!! It was quite the accomplishment for me! I was so excited... I truly have proof that I've gotten stronger! So, with the help of my hubby, I have gotten stronger! Yay me!
   Now on the other hand, I absolutely LOVE running! I ran a 1/2 Marathon in 2006 and I loved it. Running is not my hubby's favorite thing to do. Like really... not at all! But, throughout our marriage, he has taken running up so we can spend time together. Anyways, I just convinced him to run a 5K with me and he took his training to heart! He runs three times a week for at least 3 miles... so good! This morning I went with him, and we ran five miles!!! I'm so proud of him. We're already signed up for the 5K, but we're thinking about running a 1/2 marathon in May! Neither of us have felt so good in our lives! Such a great feeling... it's addicting!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Well, I guess it's been a month, so time for my monthly update. I really wish I had more time to update, but wait until you see all my fun projects I've been working on. Seriously, Christmas time makes me so happy. I love the music, the lights, the "ambiance." It's fun, romantic, and just plain HOLIDAY!!!! It's been busy, but I've loved every moment of it. It all began the day after Thanksgiving. It's a tradition to set up the Christmas tree and all the decorations the weekend after Thanksgiving. I love it, and my husband even helped me this year. Then, I started the gifts.
This year, I made tile coasters with scrapbook paper, modge podge glue, clear spray paint, and felt.
First, you cut the scrapbook paper in 4"x4" squares. Then, paint a nice thick coat of modge podge on the tile coaster, then  lay the paper square out on the tile and be sure to push out all the air bubbles. Then slather on one more coat of modge podge over the whole tile. Once dry, spray a coat of clear spray paint. After it is dry, cut out 4 small circles of felt and hot glue onto bottom of the tile.

The second project was little while board picture frames with flowers on the them. I started with those clear plastic frames. I cut out a 4"x6" piece of lined paper and slid it into the frame. Then, I made some felt flowers and bows. I just hot glued them on the frame. Super easy and cute. I also made a few with simple Ikea black frames. Fun!

So, on to project three. I LOVE displaying Christmas cards. In the past I've just hung them on ribbons with clothes pins... totally cute, but my new way is this.

Soooo... these aren't nearly as cute without the cards (scroll down for finished product.) These are tomato cages bought at Lowes. I, then, tied the tops together to form a tree shape. Then, I made a cone (with wrapping paper) to fit over the top. The last thing was to make cute out a circle of wrapping paper and hot glue it to the bottom of the cage. Fun, and different way of displaying our friends and family.

Two more to now... take a white wire hanger and unshape it into a circle (this is going to form a wreath). Now, take a box of sandwich bags (the fold over kind) and start tying.

 After all the plastic bags are tied on, I hot glued ribbon, berries, and a poinsettia (but the flower fell off before the pic... oops!)

 Different, wintery wreath!

Ok... last one... one of my faves...
What I used: styrofoam cone, buttons, pearlized pins.
What I did... Pin buttons into the styrofoam cone, layering them as I went.

I LOVE Christmas! I had so much fun playing with all these projects!

Thanksgiving

Gratitude is an understatement of how this "simple girl" feels. I have so much to thankful for. I've been sitting here at my in-laws for the last few hours contemplating this fact.

My husband is the joy of my life.
He makes me laugh... just tonight, he was building a fire. To keep the story short, he almost singed his own eyebrows off and the flames were higher than the mantle. I couldn't catch my breath or see because I was laughing so hard and the tears just kept coming!
So. My husband also wants the best for our life together. We found out this morning that we are for sure moving out of our apartment in January, due to raised rent. I know that this is stressful for us both, and we definitely want to make the right decision of where to go now, but he has been on his computer researching, researching, and researching. It's pretty cute!
He also indulges me in my crazy schemes. I love to do projects and cook/... okay, seriously, LOVE is an understatement. I'm fully in the project mode now that we're on break from school and Christmas is a-coming. Not only does he support me, but encourages me. I thinks my crazy ideas are awesome, which is fun and keeps me going. My newest creation is a snow white Christmas wreath... pictures to come!

So... all that to say... I'm thankful for my husband.

My family blesses me every day! Even though my parents live across the country, I couldn't be closer to them than I am right now. I love talking to my parents on the phone and counting down the days until our flight to Florida in Dec. (It's 24 days, by the way!) My sweet brother and sister-in-law and baby nephew are so fun. Every time we arrange a time to hang out, I look forward to it more than ever. My in-laws are pretty awesome. I've never really been as entertained as I am when I'm with them. I spent my afternoon steam ironing drapes for my mother-in-law. As much as I felt a bit stressed out because there was pressure to do it completely right, and not ruin her curtains, I had a blast listening and talking to my sister-in-law and mother-in-law! They are truly amazing women!

There's so much to be thankful for, but it wouldn't be possible without God. He's so incredible to give us blessings and even hard things in our lives. On Tuesday, I found out that one of my students lost his dad to cancer on Monday night. I broke my heart to think of the struggle that that family is dealing with right now, but the more it has sunk in, I have realized that though it is a difficult time, they are so blessed to have family around and friends that love them and that want to be there to support them.

At our church, we've been going through Romans (Okay... for the last 2 1/2 years, we've been going through Romans and we just finished the 11th chapter.) A ton of it is so over my head, but I've learned so much that God is sovereign and he has chosen us to be his children. I am honored and humbled that he would chose me.

Okay, at this point I'm kind of rambling, but these are my inmost thoughts just flowing out. I'll start posting my projects and experiences with the kitchen... Every time I cook something new or fun, I've been taking pictures, so I promise, those pictures will be on their way!

So... with that... Happy Thanksgiving! Be grateful for what God has given you, and don't forget to tell those in your life how thankful you are for them and why!

God bless!!!