I wish you could see me right now. You would probably giggle. Heck< I would too... (If I wasn't trying to be SILENT so that my little man could take a much needed nap!) You are probably thinking, "Your kid should be adaptable. Get a sound machine, for heaven's sake! Make him get over the sounds, and make him deal with it." Okay, so here's the situation. I have two sound machines near his pack n' play right now. That's right... two! One with white noise and the other playing a lullaby (OVER AND OVER) and projecting little fishies on the ceiling. And I'm crouched behind the King size bed in the corner. That's right people... it's our first vacation in a HOTEL ROOM! We need all the prayer we can get. Here's how it came about.
We're in Vegas! Woohoo, right?!?!?! This girl can go 30 1/2 years without stepping foot in Las Vegas and now, here I am on my second trip in a month! Last month was a little different story. My man and I spent our first time away for 2 nights to vaca with our bowling league... yep, you read that right... our bowling league. We had a fun time hanging out, going to a movie, taking naps (on our own time), watching soccer, bowling, and staying up until all hours of the night exploring the city. (We didn't stay on the Strip, so we definitely made a late night Friday night run to the Strip to check it out. Let's be real... I had never been there... we HAD to check it out! And I am SURE glad we did. That makes this trip doable.
So it all started two days ago, when my man got a call from his assistant, explaining that his wife had emergency surgery on her appendix. Thankfully, it didn't burst, but she was uncomfortable and had it checked out. It was obvious to the doctors that it needed to come out. Again, thankfully, the procedure went great and she's recovering nicely. But the timing couldn't be worse. The two of them, my hubby and his assistant were set to go out to Vegas for a conference two days later (today). He decided that it would be best to stay home and help out where needed. That sent my wheels spinning and since I was going to my grandparents (which is on the way to Vegas from our house), I suggested that our family go out on Tuesday night to spend time with my grandparents and then the hubby could leave later on Wednesday morning. That sounded reasonable. Then I thought about it. Carl's going to be by himself... Maybe our little guy and I should go out with him. It was either spend time with our little guy and my grandparents for a few days away from Carl, or spend time with our little guy in Vegas during the day exploring, spending time in amazing pools and seeing new things and then hanging out with the hubs when he's done with the conference each night. Well, we chose the latter, with our one huge hangup... the sleeping situation. Our little man does not do well sleeping in the same room with us. It's just a fact. I was hoping that since he's older, maybe the circumstances would be different and he would be better. Well, an hour of fighting it proved me wrong, but let's be real... Mommy won. Little man is asleep (even though I'm a prisoner to the floor on the other side of the bed). It's a good thing he did end up falling asleep too. After visiting two pools in his stroller and a promise of the "poo" after a nap, I was hopeless that we weren't going to go to the pool today because I'm a woman of my word, and if he "didn't sleep, we weren't going!" And HOPEFULLY, this is good practice for him for tonight going to bed and the next two days in this room!
Anyways, I was nervous making this decision, because I really, truly am vacationing alone with a 20 month old because my other half is being a strength and conditioning nerd learning all sorts of new stuff all day, every day. Backing up, once we got to the hotel room, little man and I set off to find the pools and food and everything else. We found the first pool, no problem. Got lost going to the second pool, but asked a very nice security guard and he led us back to where we should go, chatting the whole way. On our way back to the room from the second pool, we stopped at a food court and I ordered some chicken strips at Johnny Rockets for us to share... 30 minutes later (Uhhhhgggg!) we got our food. While we were waiting, a sweet, but a little creepy teenage girl came up to the little guy and kept giving him fives and knuckles and then kept holding onto his hand. I was a little creeped out because she didn't say anything, just looked at him and kept playing with him. This went on for about 15 minutes. She did finally talk a bit, but very delayed. I really had no problem with her playing with my son, but she was very touchy and when she reached out to hold him, I put my foot down and said, "No, I don't think so. But thank you for playing with him." My first experience of cautiousness in this city. I'm sure I will have many more experiences to come.
Stay tuned for more adventures of my son and me in VEGAS!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Tales of an Average One-Income Family... Part one of the journey
So if you read in earlier posts, I quit my job almost exactly one year ago. What were you thinking, you might ask?!?!?! We live in Southern California, in Orange county, no less. It's expensive to live, and the hubby doesn't make that much money! But, you know what? By the grace of God, God has provided miraculously for us throughout the past year! So we're on to our next jaunt in our journey... looking to buy a house. "What?!?!" you say. "Are you crazy?" You say. "Are you going back to work so you can afford it?" Well, the answer is no. (mostly.) :)
We have thought long and hard about this decision. We have prayed like crazy. We are not that typical couple that is looking for a house because we want to own something and prove something to everyone around us. (1) We've have lived in 6 different apartments in the past 6 years. That's been rough, to say the least. We literally have boxes that we have been moving from house to house because maybe we'll need the stuff once we do "settle" down. What's the point in getting rid of a perfectly fine bathroom set, only to have to buy a new one when we need it? Anyways, that's one point. It's been rough not knowing if we'll be able to stay in a place once our lease is up, due to raised rent. (2) We have no debt. (3) When my father-in-law passed in December, (Yes, I know. I skipped that blog post.) we received an inheritance since my hubby was his only son. We decided that the money was not to be touched unless it's for a house downpayment.
So, now that you know the reasoning behind our decision, here's where the fun begins. I'm not going back to work full time, so that we can afford a house payment. That's not for us. So, with that being said, our house budget is based on one-income... not the highest budget, but doable. We've been researching houses and condos in all kinds of areas, trying to figure out the best situation for us. We have a real estate agent that is great and has been working around the clock, sending us info on a plethora of different options.
So enter today... our first "real" house-hunting adventure. Meeting with our agent, using the lock box and everything. We met after church... our first mistake. Our little man always has a long morning on Sundays, going to the nursery for two services. He usually needs to head right to nap time when we get home from church. Our goal was to just look at one place. Long story short, the place was okay, needed a lot of work, but was workable. The main storyline in this all is the major meltdown our son had in the house. All he wanted to do was go bye-bye when we were in the house, that our agent suggested that we go down to the park close by for him to play while she was able to talk more with my husband about particulars. Well, once we got out of the house, all he wanted was to go back in. Yep, a full blown meltdown ensued. My husband said later that he had never seen our little guy so upset or heard him scream so loud. We made it to the park. I hopped up and down on the (too old for a 19 mo. old) equipment, trying to keep the little dude safe, while we was apparently bored and nothing was going to make him happy. Finally, he broke free, trying to run to a little slide (on someones second story patio across the street). He made it to the grass, where I was able to catch him... another major flop down, where I decided to flop with him and wrangle him back to the equipment. That's when I felt it... yep, my first bee sting since I was eight, right on the side of my calf. At first, it just hurt, but trying to be calm and making sure that the little man didn't get stung too, I called to Carl to help me out. Getting little guy off the grass was my first successful goal. Everything else I was doing as a mom felt completely fruitless. After a few more minutes of discussion between the agent and my hubby, the little guy and I decided to start walking to the car. They got the hint and followed. Finally, we got our once again upset child in the car, ready for nap time. He kept saying "Let Go" which means we listened to our favorite song of the century "Let It Go" two and a half times before getting home and putting the little one down. Yikes. Carl then ran to the drug store to get aspirin for my sting and I laid down on the couch, contemplating the exhausting day we had just had. A little nap followed and then lots of talk about seeing more houses. My hubby and the agent had been emailing and texting about other houses we wanted to look at and she got the approval to look at a few that evening. Do we dare try it again?
Well, after a three hour nap and a much cooler outfit for the little man, I armed myself with books, cars, and snacks and the three of us headed out the door for another adventure. Looking at two new places this time, our experience was much more mild. We went back to the first place, took a look, then went on our way to process this huge 30-year decision. :) You like how dramatic I just was? It was actually funny, because on the stairs of the third place, our agent pulled the... "Okay, without looking at each other, you have to tell me which one you like." I totally felt like I was on HGTV's House Hunters, or My First Place or Property Virgins. :) I was stuck between the first and third, finally deciding on the first. The hubby chose the first and then changed his mind to the third.... At least we were on the same page! Next, we headed to Chili's to have a family dinner and enjoyed ourselves, talking about our future, loving on our sweet son who had a blast coloring, eating and playing with his trucks.
I know the rest of our day was rather anticlimactic, but the first half was such an overload, that I don't think I could have handled more. We basically decided at the end of it all, that we'll keep looking and try it all out another day. (That led to staying up past 11 with my hubby exploring other houses online.) This is going to be quite the process, but we know that ultimately, God is going to put us where he wants us and we hope to learn through this adventure to trust wholly in Him. He hasn't let us down yet! Stay tuned for more adventures to come!
We have thought long and hard about this decision. We have prayed like crazy. We are not that typical couple that is looking for a house because we want to own something and prove something to everyone around us. (1) We've have lived in 6 different apartments in the past 6 years. That's been rough, to say the least. We literally have boxes that we have been moving from house to house because maybe we'll need the stuff once we do "settle" down. What's the point in getting rid of a perfectly fine bathroom set, only to have to buy a new one when we need it? Anyways, that's one point. It's been rough not knowing if we'll be able to stay in a place once our lease is up, due to raised rent. (2) We have no debt. (3) When my father-in-law passed in December, (Yes, I know. I skipped that blog post.) we received an inheritance since my hubby was his only son. We decided that the money was not to be touched unless it's for a house downpayment.
So, now that you know the reasoning behind our decision, here's where the fun begins. I'm not going back to work full time, so that we can afford a house payment. That's not for us. So, with that being said, our house budget is based on one-income... not the highest budget, but doable. We've been researching houses and condos in all kinds of areas, trying to figure out the best situation for us. We have a real estate agent that is great and has been working around the clock, sending us info on a plethora of different options.
So enter today... our first "real" house-hunting adventure. Meeting with our agent, using the lock box and everything. We met after church... our first mistake. Our little man always has a long morning on Sundays, going to the nursery for two services. He usually needs to head right to nap time when we get home from church. Our goal was to just look at one place. Long story short, the place was okay, needed a lot of work, but was workable. The main storyline in this all is the major meltdown our son had in the house. All he wanted to do was go bye-bye when we were in the house, that our agent suggested that we go down to the park close by for him to play while she was able to talk more with my husband about particulars. Well, once we got out of the house, all he wanted was to go back in. Yep, a full blown meltdown ensued. My husband said later that he had never seen our little guy so upset or heard him scream so loud. We made it to the park. I hopped up and down on the (too old for a 19 mo. old) equipment, trying to keep the little dude safe, while we was apparently bored and nothing was going to make him happy. Finally, he broke free, trying to run to a little slide (on someones second story patio across the street). He made it to the grass, where I was able to catch him... another major flop down, where I decided to flop with him and wrangle him back to the equipment. That's when I felt it... yep, my first bee sting since I was eight, right on the side of my calf. At first, it just hurt, but trying to be calm and making sure that the little man didn't get stung too, I called to Carl to help me out. Getting little guy off the grass was my first successful goal. Everything else I was doing as a mom felt completely fruitless. After a few more minutes of discussion between the agent and my hubby, the little guy and I decided to start walking to the car. They got the hint and followed. Finally, we got our once again upset child in the car, ready for nap time. He kept saying "Let Go" which means we listened to our favorite song of the century "Let It Go" two and a half times before getting home and putting the little one down. Yikes. Carl then ran to the drug store to get aspirin for my sting and I laid down on the couch, contemplating the exhausting day we had just had. A little nap followed and then lots of talk about seeing more houses. My hubby and the agent had been emailing and texting about other houses we wanted to look at and she got the approval to look at a few that evening. Do we dare try it again?
Well, after a three hour nap and a much cooler outfit for the little man, I armed myself with books, cars, and snacks and the three of us headed out the door for another adventure. Looking at two new places this time, our experience was much more mild. We went back to the first place, took a look, then went on our way to process this huge 30-year decision. :) You like how dramatic I just was? It was actually funny, because on the stairs of the third place, our agent pulled the... "Okay, without looking at each other, you have to tell me which one you like." I totally felt like I was on HGTV's House Hunters, or My First Place or Property Virgins. :) I was stuck between the first and third, finally deciding on the first. The hubby chose the first and then changed his mind to the third.... At least we were on the same page! Next, we headed to Chili's to have a family dinner and enjoyed ourselves, talking about our future, loving on our sweet son who had a blast coloring, eating and playing with his trucks.
I know the rest of our day was rather anticlimactic, but the first half was such an overload, that I don't think I could have handled more. We basically decided at the end of it all, that we'll keep looking and try it all out another day. (That led to staying up past 11 with my hubby exploring other houses online.) This is going to be quite the process, but we know that ultimately, God is going to put us where he wants us and we hope to learn through this adventure to trust wholly in Him. He hasn't let us down yet! Stay tuned for more adventures to come!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Good Riddance, December and January.
Well, December has come and gone. So has January, almost... CRAZY! Where does the time go? Well, to be honest, those months are not months I ever would want to repeat. December was definitely the hardest month of our lives. I just read my last post... written the day before my father-in-law went home to be with Jesus. So, December 9 will forever be a date that I remember, a bittersweet day that Carl Sr.'s suffering ended. Obviously, it began our grief. Christmas without him was hard. The hardest part is the "sad moments" that I catch my husband having, in remembrance of his dad. Whoo... hard.
Then, January started. We were high on life. Ready for the fresh start that seems to come naturally with a new calendar year. For us... it began a month of sickness for all three of us. Yikes. January 3rd started out normally, with our little guy babbling about in his crib and my hubby was going into work for the morning, just to get things squared away before school came back in session the following week. As my husband was walking out the door, I went into our little guy's room, to be greeted by a happy, one-eyed little guy (his left eye was swollen almost shut.) I shouted to the hubby (the door was still open) and he came in. We made a rapid decision to take him to the doctor together. Turned out to be an eyelid infection, treatable with meds. Three days later, (Monday) little man got the flu. Worst. night. ever. I have never hurt so much for another person. Our little guy was so helpless and puking a total of 5 times throughout the night. Aghhhhhh. It just makes me so sad to even think about it. Tuesday was a lay-low day. Wednesday, more throwing up for the little guy. Thursday night, my husband went down and ended up puking on Friday morning. Sunday, it was my turn. Seriously, it was awful. As I was starting to feel better, I developed a cough that turned into an awful cold that lasted over a week. Oh yeah, amongst my sickness, the little guy decided to get croup and ended us up in the ER last weekend. I can finally say, 10 days later, we are all healthy, for now.
Yep. Glad these last months are over. But here's the deal. God is good. Our family is strong and can get through anything together. Our marriage hasn't been this good in a very long time. We are on the same page and have common goals, working on our marriage, working on being the best parents that we can be (with God's help), and finding more joy in Jesus everyday. My relationship with my mother-in-law has never been so strong either. We've been able to talk and establish boundaries in our roles as mom and grandma to our little man. It's all good. God is good and we are completely blessed. Here's to a better February. And if it's not and we have new challenges, I hope and pray God will use those challenges and me to build more joy in Him.
Then, January started. We were high on life. Ready for the fresh start that seems to come naturally with a new calendar year. For us... it began a month of sickness for all three of us. Yikes. January 3rd started out normally, with our little guy babbling about in his crib and my hubby was going into work for the morning, just to get things squared away before school came back in session the following week. As my husband was walking out the door, I went into our little guy's room, to be greeted by a happy, one-eyed little guy (his left eye was swollen almost shut.) I shouted to the hubby (the door was still open) and he came in. We made a rapid decision to take him to the doctor together. Turned out to be an eyelid infection, treatable with meds. Three days later, (Monday) little man got the flu. Worst. night. ever. I have never hurt so much for another person. Our little guy was so helpless and puking a total of 5 times throughout the night. Aghhhhhh. It just makes me so sad to even think about it. Tuesday was a lay-low day. Wednesday, more throwing up for the little guy. Thursday night, my husband went down and ended up puking on Friday morning. Sunday, it was my turn. Seriously, it was awful. As I was starting to feel better, I developed a cough that turned into an awful cold that lasted over a week. Oh yeah, amongst my sickness, the little guy decided to get croup and ended us up in the ER last weekend. I can finally say, 10 days later, we are all healthy, for now.
Yep. Glad these last months are over. But here's the deal. God is good. Our family is strong and can get through anything together. Our marriage hasn't been this good in a very long time. We are on the same page and have common goals, working on our marriage, working on being the best parents that we can be (with God's help), and finding more joy in Jesus everyday. My relationship with my mother-in-law has never been so strong either. We've been able to talk and establish boundaries in our roles as mom and grandma to our little man. It's all good. God is good and we are completely blessed. Here's to a better February. And if it's not and we have new challenges, I hope and pray God will use those challenges and me to build more joy in Him.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
The Valley of the Shadow of Death
So... I was watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show a few days ago and saw that they were giving tickets away to the 12 Days of Giveaways. So... of course I applied. In the application, there was a part to write my story. Immediately after I sent it in, I regretted it. I told my story, but not my whole story. So with everything going on, here it is.
The Ellen version : (something like this)
I'm a newly "retired" teacher of 8 years that is blessed to say home with our little one year old ball of energy. My husband has been working extra hours, extra camps as a strength coach at a private high school, and writing articles online. I have been taking any subbing jobs I can get my hands on and trying to start my own business selling fleece blankets and flannel receiving blankets. Doing anything we can to make ends meet. (and then I went on to tell how our little guy loves to dance with Ellen when I have the show on.)
Okay... so here's the long version... Hold on to your hats.
It started a year ago (well, before that, but we'll start this at Christmas last year.) We had a 6 week old. Oh my goodness. We were tired, not sleeping and all adjusting to our new life. The holidays are always a bit stressful trying to figure out which side of the family gets what day... You know all that mumbo jumbo... Anyways, we decided to spend Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with my husband's family. When we arrived at my in-laws, our little guy was super fussy and my father in law wasn't feeling great, but he rallied through and we ended up getting ONE picture of our little guy on Christmas day. It's a sweet picture of his grandpa holding him.
A little background on my sweet father-in-law... In the summer of 2012, he was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, causing his lungs to shut down. He's had symptoms for a few years, but he gradually was getting worse, having a hard time breathing and having a terrible cough.
Fast forward to 2013 - Carl Sr. (Yes, my husband is a II, and we named our little guy after him, so he's a III), was put on oxygen in February, and was put on hospice at the end of March. At the time, I was still working as a teacher, loving my job, but being a mom AND a teacher was getting harder by the day. The day of signing my contract for the following school year was coming closer and I didn't know what to do. My husband and I talked daily about what life would look like if I stayed home. Obviously, it would be tight money-wise, but something inside me longed to be able to raise our little guy and be a more attentive wife. And in it all, we thought it would give us some flexibility to be available to help with my in-laws if need be. We finally made the decision to try it out, for at least a year. Oooo... talk about a leap of faith.
Well, the school year ended, I packed up my classroom and we started our summer! We started our weekly weekend hour and a half treks down to see my in-laws on the weekends. We have seen Carl Sr. gradually deteriorate. In June, he started his confinement to bed and in July, the hospital bed arrived. He was to turn 70 at the end of July, and we weren't sure he was going to make it. Well... he did and we had a wonderful celebration in his room (Complete with a candle and us all freaking out because of the oxygen in the room, which created a great memory of laughs!). We've had many celebrations in the last few months that we weren't sure he would be around for. He saw his son (my hubby), turn 30 and his grandson turn 1.
With the school year approaching, I had a million mixed emotions. I thought I was going to miss going back to work. What if I got bored? What if we can't make it financially? I was reaffirmed of our decision on August 28, the day I was to go back to work. We had a busy (HOT) day and when we got home, I noticed the little one not cooling down from being the in the car. I thought he was just hot, but after taking his temp, I realized that he had a 102.7 degree fever. Imagine my guilt if I had gone to work that day and had to call in sick for the rest of the week. Instantly, I praised God for our situation and allowing me to stay home. Well, the school year got started, football season began, and our weekend trips continued. To say the least, things have been wearing on us physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even on our family and marriage.
Okay, to add onto it... my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer in August. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! She had a mastectomy on September 17 with a 6 week expected recovery. My husband took some time off to be with her, my sister-in-law took ALL of her 5 weeks to live with her mom and take care of her. Thankfully, they were able to get some extra in-home care. And in all of this... I'm stuck at home because the baby couldn't be around. This was not the plan. The plan was for me to be home and available to my husband at work, to be able to go down to the in-laws to help, and I couldn't. I was helpless. And lonely. Because of our unreliability and not knowing what each new would bring, a lot of our friends have backed off because we were never really available to do anything or be there for them.
Through it all, my husband has stayed strong, and really had some good talks with his dad about heaven and our heavenly Father. To see his faith increase through this turmoil has been inspiring. It's so hard to see my father-in-law suffer, but it's also incredibly hard to see my husband hurt.
On October 31, our little routine was drastically altered when I got a call from my mother-in-law saying that Carl Sr. was in the hospital. Calm, teacher Carrie took over, called my husband, and told him that he needed to leave right away. Carl Sr. was in the hospital for 9 days, in and out of ICU, sent home to "rest comfortably." There was nothing more the doctors could do. So, that brings me up to date...almost.
Thanksgiving was a rough one. (see past post) Then this last Wednesday, my husband got a call from his mom telling him that his father was seeing his last days. We made arrangements, cancelled our weekend trip to northern California, and my husband has spent the last few days at his parents house, unsure of when he will return home. We are all basket cases so say the least.
So that brings me to writing this post. There's so much going on and this is my only outlet. I have no readers at this time, but that's not the point. The point is now, I can look back at this post and see how God has worked through this time of turmoil. I think about my original "story" for the Ellen DeGeneres show and I regret not telling my whole story. I think selfishly, "Maybe I would have been picked. We NEED a giveaway!" Well, in all honesty, we don't. I need to be content with the blessings God has given me. God is good and teaching us all so much in this valley. Stay tuned.
The Ellen version : (something like this)
I'm a newly "retired" teacher of 8 years that is blessed to say home with our little one year old ball of energy. My husband has been working extra hours, extra camps as a strength coach at a private high school, and writing articles online. I have been taking any subbing jobs I can get my hands on and trying to start my own business selling fleece blankets and flannel receiving blankets. Doing anything we can to make ends meet. (and then I went on to tell how our little guy loves to dance with Ellen when I have the show on.)
Okay... so here's the long version... Hold on to your hats.
It started a year ago (well, before that, but we'll start this at Christmas last year.) We had a 6 week old. Oh my goodness. We were tired, not sleeping and all adjusting to our new life. The holidays are always a bit stressful trying to figure out which side of the family gets what day... You know all that mumbo jumbo... Anyways, we decided to spend Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with my husband's family. When we arrived at my in-laws, our little guy was super fussy and my father in law wasn't feeling great, but he rallied through and we ended up getting ONE picture of our little guy on Christmas day. It's a sweet picture of his grandpa holding him.
A little background on my sweet father-in-law... In the summer of 2012, he was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, causing his lungs to shut down. He's had symptoms for a few years, but he gradually was getting worse, having a hard time breathing and having a terrible cough.
Fast forward to 2013 - Carl Sr. (Yes, my husband is a II, and we named our little guy after him, so he's a III), was put on oxygen in February, and was put on hospice at the end of March. At the time, I was still working as a teacher, loving my job, but being a mom AND a teacher was getting harder by the day. The day of signing my contract for the following school year was coming closer and I didn't know what to do. My husband and I talked daily about what life would look like if I stayed home. Obviously, it would be tight money-wise, but something inside me longed to be able to raise our little guy and be a more attentive wife. And in it all, we thought it would give us some flexibility to be available to help with my in-laws if need be. We finally made the decision to try it out, for at least a year. Oooo... talk about a leap of faith.
Well, the school year ended, I packed up my classroom and we started our summer! We started our weekly weekend hour and a half treks down to see my in-laws on the weekends. We have seen Carl Sr. gradually deteriorate. In June, he started his confinement to bed and in July, the hospital bed arrived. He was to turn 70 at the end of July, and we weren't sure he was going to make it. Well... he did and we had a wonderful celebration in his room (Complete with a candle and us all freaking out because of the oxygen in the room, which created a great memory of laughs!). We've had many celebrations in the last few months that we weren't sure he would be around for. He saw his son (my hubby), turn 30 and his grandson turn 1.
With the school year approaching, I had a million mixed emotions. I thought I was going to miss going back to work. What if I got bored? What if we can't make it financially? I was reaffirmed of our decision on August 28, the day I was to go back to work. We had a busy (HOT) day and when we got home, I noticed the little one not cooling down from being the in the car. I thought he was just hot, but after taking his temp, I realized that he had a 102.7 degree fever. Imagine my guilt if I had gone to work that day and had to call in sick for the rest of the week. Instantly, I praised God for our situation and allowing me to stay home. Well, the school year got started, football season began, and our weekend trips continued. To say the least, things have been wearing on us physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even on our family and marriage.
Okay, to add onto it... my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer in August. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! She had a mastectomy on September 17 with a 6 week expected recovery. My husband took some time off to be with her, my sister-in-law took ALL of her 5 weeks to live with her mom and take care of her. Thankfully, they were able to get some extra in-home care. And in all of this... I'm stuck at home because the baby couldn't be around. This was not the plan. The plan was for me to be home and available to my husband at work, to be able to go down to the in-laws to help, and I couldn't. I was helpless. And lonely. Because of our unreliability and not knowing what each new would bring, a lot of our friends have backed off because we were never really available to do anything or be there for them.
Through it all, my husband has stayed strong, and really had some good talks with his dad about heaven and our heavenly Father. To see his faith increase through this turmoil has been inspiring. It's so hard to see my father-in-law suffer, but it's also incredibly hard to see my husband hurt.
On October 31, our little routine was drastically altered when I got a call from my mother-in-law saying that Carl Sr. was in the hospital. Calm, teacher Carrie took over, called my husband, and told him that he needed to leave right away. Carl Sr. was in the hospital for 9 days, in and out of ICU, sent home to "rest comfortably." There was nothing more the doctors could do. So, that brings me up to date...almost.
Thanksgiving was a rough one. (see past post) Then this last Wednesday, my husband got a call from his mom telling him that his father was seeing his last days. We made arrangements, cancelled our weekend trip to northern California, and my husband has spent the last few days at his parents house, unsure of when he will return home. We are all basket cases so say the least.
So that brings me to writing this post. There's so much going on and this is my only outlet. I have no readers at this time, but that's not the point. The point is now, I can look back at this post and see how God has worked through this time of turmoil. I think about my original "story" for the Ellen DeGeneres show and I regret not telling my whole story. I think selfishly, "Maybe I would have been picked. We NEED a giveaway!" Well, in all honesty, we don't. I need to be content with the blessings God has given me. God is good and teaching us all so much in this valley. Stay tuned.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Letting Go
My question of the day? Where do I belong? Today is a rough one. Not really what you expect for a Thanksgiving post, right? Downright selfish. Let me explain.
I am so incredibly thankful for everything in my life. God and I have been on a roller coaster ride this year, but I am so thankful for Him and the salvation that I receive even though I don't deserve it. I'm thankful for my husband, who I've also been on the roller coaster of life with recently. Our circumstances have been hard lately, really hard, but he has stuck with me, still loves me and forgives me on a daily basis. He still tangles his feet with mine each night with unconditional love. I'm thankful for my son, who challenges me and gets more independent DAILY. He's my pride and joy and I live for those moments when I ask for a kiss and he leans in and makes a smacking noise and buries his head in my chest. There are a million other things I'm thankful for... a roof over our heads, my family, my in-laws, friends, food, my creative juices that produce so much joy.
So why am I feeling so blue? Well, this is the first Thanksgiving in four years that my parents have been in the state of California. They are spending it with my grandparents, my brother and his family, and my brother's in-laws. I'm extremely happy that they get to be with family, but in reality... I'm lonely.
We are at my in-laws. My husband has spent the day with his dad in his room, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law have kidnapped my child, and my brother-in-law has been in and out all day. Every time my little guy comes in and I try to be with him, play with him, feed him, whatever, my mother-in-law seems to override me in every sense of the word. All day, more anger and hurt has built up because I don't feel supported and I downright feel like I'm a failure. Adding insult to injury, all my little guy wants is what everyone else is offering, not Mommy.
I didn't get to talk to my family until the afternoon, and I didn't hear from one single friend wishing me a happy thanksgiving (until after I texted them)... Okay, that last part may seem weird, but we've spent many Thanksgivings down at my in-laws and I've enjoyed every year hearing from my friends all day, knowing that I'm thought of. This year, it wasn't there... Instantly, I don't blame them... I think... How bad of a friend am I that no one thinks of me? Life is so hard.
I know God is good. I know there is a purpose in this sorrow and season of life. I know there is. But this is real life. Of course, I go on Instagram and FB and see these happy, smiling faces and yummy huge meals, and I could get jealous, knowing that's not where I'm at. I could join them with a family photo of our own (the one of 27 that our little one was smiling because I was tickling his leg), but I don't do either of those. My husband often reminds me that Insta and FB are snapshots of the best of everyone's life, it doesn't show the whole picture.
I know that I have a happy life, a happy family, and friends that love me. I'm just in a low place and even as I'm writing, my spirits are being lifted. I don't know if it's just letting out my feelings, admitting the pain and feelings that I've been feeling all day. Or maybe it's truly God lifting my burden, because it's too heavy for me to carry on my own. I want to believe it's the second. He knows my sorrows. He wants to carry my burden, but I have to admit that I'm hurting and that I can't do it on my own in order for God to help me. I like to take control, even if it just is holding onto anger. I have control of that. But a simple little exercise that my dad taught me when I was a little girl comes to mind. Anytime I was angry and wouldn't let go of control, my dad would make me uncross my arms, unclench my fists, and hold out my hands with my palms up. Doing that always made me drop my defenses and I would picture my control being let go and floating up to God. I know that might sound completely hokey, but it's what I imagined as a little girl and I still do, to this day. Tonight, as I sat at the table before writing, I sat in front of my computer for a few minutes with my hands out, palms up. I know God has my control in his hands, along with my worry, my hurt, my anger, and my sorrow. Things will turn around. I know it.
I'm thankful for this season, as difficult as it may seem right now. I am. At least I'm learning in this process and hopefully will continue to grow in my faith and in character. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope and pray that you all are able to count your blessings, even in the low places in life. It's real life people. It happens and God is good... all the time!
I am so incredibly thankful for everything in my life. God and I have been on a roller coaster ride this year, but I am so thankful for Him and the salvation that I receive even though I don't deserve it. I'm thankful for my husband, who I've also been on the roller coaster of life with recently. Our circumstances have been hard lately, really hard, but he has stuck with me, still loves me and forgives me on a daily basis. He still tangles his feet with mine each night with unconditional love. I'm thankful for my son, who challenges me and gets more independent DAILY. He's my pride and joy and I live for those moments when I ask for a kiss and he leans in and makes a smacking noise and buries his head in my chest. There are a million other things I'm thankful for... a roof over our heads, my family, my in-laws, friends, food, my creative juices that produce so much joy.
So why am I feeling so blue? Well, this is the first Thanksgiving in four years that my parents have been in the state of California. They are spending it with my grandparents, my brother and his family, and my brother's in-laws. I'm extremely happy that they get to be with family, but in reality... I'm lonely.
We are at my in-laws. My husband has spent the day with his dad in his room, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law have kidnapped my child, and my brother-in-law has been in and out all day. Every time my little guy comes in and I try to be with him, play with him, feed him, whatever, my mother-in-law seems to override me in every sense of the word. All day, more anger and hurt has built up because I don't feel supported and I downright feel like I'm a failure. Adding insult to injury, all my little guy wants is what everyone else is offering, not Mommy.
I didn't get to talk to my family until the afternoon, and I didn't hear from one single friend wishing me a happy thanksgiving (until after I texted them)... Okay, that last part may seem weird, but we've spent many Thanksgivings down at my in-laws and I've enjoyed every year hearing from my friends all day, knowing that I'm thought of. This year, it wasn't there... Instantly, I don't blame them... I think... How bad of a friend am I that no one thinks of me? Life is so hard.
I know God is good. I know there is a purpose in this sorrow and season of life. I know there is. But this is real life. Of course, I go on Instagram and FB and see these happy, smiling faces and yummy huge meals, and I could get jealous, knowing that's not where I'm at. I could join them with a family photo of our own (the one of 27 that our little one was smiling because I was tickling his leg), but I don't do either of those. My husband often reminds me that Insta and FB are snapshots of the best of everyone's life, it doesn't show the whole picture.
I know that I have a happy life, a happy family, and friends that love me. I'm just in a low place and even as I'm writing, my spirits are being lifted. I don't know if it's just letting out my feelings, admitting the pain and feelings that I've been feeling all day. Or maybe it's truly God lifting my burden, because it's too heavy for me to carry on my own. I want to believe it's the second. He knows my sorrows. He wants to carry my burden, but I have to admit that I'm hurting and that I can't do it on my own in order for God to help me. I like to take control, even if it just is holding onto anger. I have control of that. But a simple little exercise that my dad taught me when I was a little girl comes to mind. Anytime I was angry and wouldn't let go of control, my dad would make me uncross my arms, unclench my fists, and hold out my hands with my palms up. Doing that always made me drop my defenses and I would picture my control being let go and floating up to God. I know that might sound completely hokey, but it's what I imagined as a little girl and I still do, to this day. Tonight, as I sat at the table before writing, I sat in front of my computer for a few minutes with my hands out, palms up. I know God has my control in his hands, along with my worry, my hurt, my anger, and my sorrow. Things will turn around. I know it.
I'm thankful for this season, as difficult as it may seem right now. I am. At least I'm learning in this process and hopefully will continue to grow in my faith and in character. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope and pray that you all are able to count your blessings, even in the low places in life. It's real life people. It happens and God is good... all the time!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Sweet Moments and Late Nights
Life is crazy right now. Uncertain. Busy. Disheartening.
So... we're 9 months down the road and still not quite sleeping through the night. Our little guy is still waking up about once a night (at least), but because of this stubborn momma, he's learned to soothe himself and go back to sleep.
Last night was a different story. You moms will know what I mean. I woke up to a screaming baby. SCREAMMMING. I woke up with a start, quickly pushed my phone's screen on. 2:08am. Ugghhhh. My stubborn streak screamed, "Let him figure it out." But something else told me,"Go to him." I obeyed the second voice. I was met by my little 9 month old with tears streaming down his face. My first thought... "I hate teething! I need sleep." I would have normally popped in his pacifier, laid him on his back, and left the room. Last night was different. I picked up my little guy and felt him take a breath of relief, then try to settle in my arms, but he was restless and continued to fuss. I gave him those fabulous natural teething tablets and fought the urge to put him down and get myself back to bed. I held him. I held him tight. I took him in my arms and started singing. The songs I started with were his usual "Jesus Loves Me," and "Mommy Loves Tre" to the tune of Frere Jacques. Then worship songs started pouring out of my mouth. By the third or fourth song, my wiggly, always ready to move son was nestled on my chest, breathing the deep breaths of sleep.
I was in little man's room for about 15 minutes total, but for the first time, I didn't want it to end. I could picture in my head 5 years from now, yearning for these moments of dependability and pure surrender into Mommy's arms. After putting him back in his crib, I lingered a bit, loving these precious moments. I'm tired. I'd love for this little guy to sleep through the whole night on a consistent basis, but I'll never have this time back. I love him... at every hour of every day.
And then, as I'm writing this, I realize... God feels the same way for all of his children... but times a million. He longs for us to want him, cry for him, find comfort in him. He wants us to find our greatest joy in Him. If we do this, we bring Him joy and we are safe in His arms.
In all the uncertainty of life right now, I cry out to Him. I want to rest in Him, knowing that we're safe and He's got a plan for all this craziness.
So... we're 9 months down the road and still not quite sleeping through the night. Our little guy is still waking up about once a night (at least), but because of this stubborn momma, he's learned to soothe himself and go back to sleep.
Last night was a different story. You moms will know what I mean. I woke up to a screaming baby. SCREAMMMING. I woke up with a start, quickly pushed my phone's screen on. 2:08am. Ugghhhh. My stubborn streak screamed, "Let him figure it out." But something else told me,"Go to him." I obeyed the second voice. I was met by my little 9 month old with tears streaming down his face. My first thought... "I hate teething! I need sleep." I would have normally popped in his pacifier, laid him on his back, and left the room. Last night was different. I picked up my little guy and felt him take a breath of relief, then try to settle in my arms, but he was restless and continued to fuss. I gave him those fabulous natural teething tablets and fought the urge to put him down and get myself back to bed. I held him. I held him tight. I took him in my arms and started singing. The songs I started with were his usual "Jesus Loves Me," and "Mommy Loves Tre" to the tune of Frere Jacques. Then worship songs started pouring out of my mouth. By the third or fourth song, my wiggly, always ready to move son was nestled on my chest, breathing the deep breaths of sleep.
I was in little man's room for about 15 minutes total, but for the first time, I didn't want it to end. I could picture in my head 5 years from now, yearning for these moments of dependability and pure surrender into Mommy's arms. After putting him back in his crib, I lingered a bit, loving these precious moments. I'm tired. I'd love for this little guy to sleep through the whole night on a consistent basis, but I'll never have this time back. I love him... at every hour of every day.
And then, as I'm writing this, I realize... God feels the same way for all of his children... but times a million. He longs for us to want him, cry for him, find comfort in him. He wants us to find our greatest joy in Him. If we do this, we bring Him joy and we are safe in His arms.
In all the uncertainty of life right now, I cry out to Him. I want to rest in Him, knowing that we're safe and He's got a plan for all this craziness.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
New life...
So... I've had this blog for a few years... written once or twice, not shared it with ANYONE... just a place for me to write. Well... my life is different, very, very different... and it's time to share. Time to step out of my little world and share my life... my heart, my God, my family, just plain old me!
So I mentioned I have a new life. Well there are several changes that I'd probably need to share for you to understand. First of all, I'm a mom! Wait, what?!?!?! Yep... my little guy is 8 1/2 months old! Holy cow! He's one of the hugest joys of my life. I guess that's what this post is about... my joys! Adjusting to life being a mom has been the craziest experience. That in itself should be a post, and will be in the future.
The second change in my life is that I have a new career. It's called being a professional stay-at-home. Wait... again... what? It's TRUE! I have given up my eight year career of teaching for a new one. Yes, I'm completely overwhelmed with joy that my husband and I have made this decision for my family, but it's a complete and total change of perspective and lifestyle.
The next change is my spiritual life. Okay...one more time... wait, what?!?!? I thought that you were a good Christian girl that loved Jesus and wanted to live her life out loud. Well, okay. Yep... that's what I thought too. But I guess that's a mind shift too. I truly do love Jesus... that's no different, but here I go.... putting myself out there... I don't think that I've loved Jesus to the fullest. I "used" him when I needed him. But now... I LOVE JESUS! I want to share him with everyone I meet. I want to read about Him. I want to learn more about Him. I want to talk about Him. I want to pray all the time. I have been at my church for almost seven years, and honestly, been "joyed" to death. I finally have gotten the picture. I have purpose and drive to find joy in Him.
So, that's me in a nutshell. Lots more to come. (When my busy little guy gives me a chance to write!) :)
So I mentioned I have a new life. Well there are several changes that I'd probably need to share for you to understand. First of all, I'm a mom! Wait, what?!?!?! Yep... my little guy is 8 1/2 months old! Holy cow! He's one of the hugest joys of my life. I guess that's what this post is about... my joys! Adjusting to life being a mom has been the craziest experience. That in itself should be a post, and will be in the future.
The second change in my life is that I have a new career. It's called being a professional stay-at-home. Wait... again... what? It's TRUE! I have given up my eight year career of teaching for a new one. Yes, I'm completely overwhelmed with joy that my husband and I have made this decision for my family, but it's a complete and total change of perspective and lifestyle.
The next change is my spiritual life. Okay...one more time... wait, what?!?!? I thought that you were a good Christian girl that loved Jesus and wanted to live her life out loud. Well, okay. Yep... that's what I thought too. But I guess that's a mind shift too. I truly do love Jesus... that's no different, but here I go.... putting myself out there... I don't think that I've loved Jesus to the fullest. I "used" him when I needed him. But now... I LOVE JESUS! I want to share him with everyone I meet. I want to read about Him. I want to learn more about Him. I want to talk about Him. I want to pray all the time. I have been at my church for almost seven years, and honestly, been "joyed" to death. I finally have gotten the picture. I have purpose and drive to find joy in Him.
So, that's me in a nutshell. Lots more to come. (When my busy little guy gives me a chance to write!) :)
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