So... I was watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show a few days ago and saw that they were giving tickets away to the 12 Days of Giveaways. So... of course I applied. In the application, there was a part to write my story. Immediately after I sent it in, I regretted it. I told my story, but not my whole story. So with everything going on, here it is.
The Ellen version : (something like this)
I'm a newly "retired" teacher of 8 years that is blessed to say home with our little one year old ball of energy. My husband has been working extra hours, extra camps as a strength coach at a private high school, and writing articles online. I have been taking any subbing jobs I can get my hands on and trying to start my own business selling fleece blankets and flannel receiving blankets. Doing anything we can to make ends meet. (and then I went on to tell how our little guy loves to dance with Ellen when I have the show on.)
Okay... so here's the long version... Hold on to your hats.
It started a year ago (well, before that, but we'll start this at Christmas last year.) We had a 6 week old. Oh my goodness. We were tired, not sleeping and all adjusting to our new life. The holidays are always a bit stressful trying to figure out which side of the family gets what day... You know all that mumbo jumbo... Anyways, we decided to spend Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with my husband's family. When we arrived at my in-laws, our little guy was super fussy and my father in law wasn't feeling great, but he rallied through and we ended up getting ONE picture of our little guy on Christmas day. It's a sweet picture of his grandpa holding him.
A little background on my sweet father-in-law... In the summer of 2012, he was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, causing his lungs to shut down. He's had symptoms for a few years, but he gradually was getting worse, having a hard time breathing and having a terrible cough.
Fast forward to 2013 - Carl Sr. (Yes, my husband is a II, and we named our little guy after him, so he's a III), was put on oxygen in February, and was put on hospice at the end of March. At the time, I was still working as a teacher, loving my job, but being a mom AND a teacher was getting harder by the day. The day of signing my contract for the following school year was coming closer and I didn't know what to do. My husband and I talked daily about what life would look like if I stayed home. Obviously, it would be tight money-wise, but something inside me longed to be able to raise our little guy and be a more attentive wife. And in it all, we thought it would give us some flexibility to be available to help with my in-laws if need be. We finally made the decision to try it out, for at least a year. Oooo... talk about a leap of faith.
Well, the school year ended, I packed up my classroom and we started our summer! We started our weekly weekend hour and a half treks down to see my in-laws on the weekends. We have seen Carl Sr. gradually deteriorate. In June, he started his confinement to bed and in July, the hospital bed arrived. He was to turn 70 at the end of July, and we weren't sure he was going to make it. Well... he did and we had a wonderful celebration in his room (Complete with a candle and us all freaking out because of the oxygen in the room, which created a great memory of laughs!). We've had many celebrations in the last few months that we weren't sure he would be around for. He saw his son (my hubby), turn 30 and his grandson turn 1.
With the school year approaching, I had a million mixed emotions. I thought I was going to miss going back to work. What if I got bored? What if we can't make it financially? I was reaffirmed of our decision on August 28, the day I was to go back to work. We had a busy (HOT) day and when we got home, I noticed the little one not cooling down from being the in the car. I thought he was just hot, but after taking his temp, I realized that he had a 102.7 degree fever. Imagine my guilt if I had gone to work that day and had to call in sick for the rest of the week. Instantly, I praised God for our situation and allowing me to stay home. Well, the school year got started, football season began, and our weekend trips continued. To say the least, things have been wearing on us physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even on our family and marriage.
Okay, to add onto it... my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer in August. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! She had a mastectomy on September 17 with a 6 week expected recovery. My husband took some time off to be with her, my sister-in-law took ALL of her 5 weeks to live with her mom and take care of her. Thankfully, they were able to get some extra in-home care. And in all of this... I'm stuck at home because the baby couldn't be around. This was not the plan. The plan was for me to be home and available to my husband at work, to be able to go down to the in-laws to help, and I couldn't. I was helpless. And lonely. Because of our unreliability and not knowing what each new would bring, a lot of our friends have backed off because we were never really available to do anything or be there for them.
Through it all, my husband has stayed strong, and really had some good talks with his dad about heaven and our heavenly Father. To see his faith increase through this turmoil has been inspiring. It's so hard to see my father-in-law suffer, but it's also incredibly hard to see my husband hurt.
On October 31, our little routine was drastically altered when I got a call from my mother-in-law saying that Carl Sr. was in the hospital. Calm, teacher Carrie took over, called my husband, and told him that he needed to leave right away. Carl Sr. was in the hospital for 9 days, in and out of ICU, sent home to "rest comfortably." There was nothing more the doctors could do. So, that brings me up to date...almost.
Thanksgiving was a rough one. (see past post) Then this last Wednesday, my husband got a call from his mom telling him that his father was seeing his last days. We made arrangements, cancelled our weekend trip to northern California, and my husband has spent the last few days at his parents house, unsure of when he will return home. We are all basket cases so say the least.
So that brings me to writing this post. There's so much going on and this is my only outlet. I have no readers at this time, but that's not the point. The point is now, I can look back at this post and see how God has worked through this time of turmoil. I think about my original "story" for the Ellen DeGeneres show and I regret not telling my whole story. I think selfishly, "Maybe I would have been picked. We NEED a giveaway!" Well, in all honesty, we don't. I need to be content with the blessings God has given me. God is good and teaching us all so much in this valley. Stay tuned.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Letting Go
My question of the day? Where do I belong? Today is a rough one. Not really what you expect for a Thanksgiving post, right? Downright selfish. Let me explain.
I am so incredibly thankful for everything in my life. God and I have been on a roller coaster ride this year, but I am so thankful for Him and the salvation that I receive even though I don't deserve it. I'm thankful for my husband, who I've also been on the roller coaster of life with recently. Our circumstances have been hard lately, really hard, but he has stuck with me, still loves me and forgives me on a daily basis. He still tangles his feet with mine each night with unconditional love. I'm thankful for my son, who challenges me and gets more independent DAILY. He's my pride and joy and I live for those moments when I ask for a kiss and he leans in and makes a smacking noise and buries his head in my chest. There are a million other things I'm thankful for... a roof over our heads, my family, my in-laws, friends, food, my creative juices that produce so much joy.
So why am I feeling so blue? Well, this is the first Thanksgiving in four years that my parents have been in the state of California. They are spending it with my grandparents, my brother and his family, and my brother's in-laws. I'm extremely happy that they get to be with family, but in reality... I'm lonely.
We are at my in-laws. My husband has spent the day with his dad in his room, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law have kidnapped my child, and my brother-in-law has been in and out all day. Every time my little guy comes in and I try to be with him, play with him, feed him, whatever, my mother-in-law seems to override me in every sense of the word. All day, more anger and hurt has built up because I don't feel supported and I downright feel like I'm a failure. Adding insult to injury, all my little guy wants is what everyone else is offering, not Mommy.
I didn't get to talk to my family until the afternoon, and I didn't hear from one single friend wishing me a happy thanksgiving (until after I texted them)... Okay, that last part may seem weird, but we've spent many Thanksgivings down at my in-laws and I've enjoyed every year hearing from my friends all day, knowing that I'm thought of. This year, it wasn't there... Instantly, I don't blame them... I think... How bad of a friend am I that no one thinks of me? Life is so hard.
I know God is good. I know there is a purpose in this sorrow and season of life. I know there is. But this is real life. Of course, I go on Instagram and FB and see these happy, smiling faces and yummy huge meals, and I could get jealous, knowing that's not where I'm at. I could join them with a family photo of our own (the one of 27 that our little one was smiling because I was tickling his leg), but I don't do either of those. My husband often reminds me that Insta and FB are snapshots of the best of everyone's life, it doesn't show the whole picture.
I know that I have a happy life, a happy family, and friends that love me. I'm just in a low place and even as I'm writing, my spirits are being lifted. I don't know if it's just letting out my feelings, admitting the pain and feelings that I've been feeling all day. Or maybe it's truly God lifting my burden, because it's too heavy for me to carry on my own. I want to believe it's the second. He knows my sorrows. He wants to carry my burden, but I have to admit that I'm hurting and that I can't do it on my own in order for God to help me. I like to take control, even if it just is holding onto anger. I have control of that. But a simple little exercise that my dad taught me when I was a little girl comes to mind. Anytime I was angry and wouldn't let go of control, my dad would make me uncross my arms, unclench my fists, and hold out my hands with my palms up. Doing that always made me drop my defenses and I would picture my control being let go and floating up to God. I know that might sound completely hokey, but it's what I imagined as a little girl and I still do, to this day. Tonight, as I sat at the table before writing, I sat in front of my computer for a few minutes with my hands out, palms up. I know God has my control in his hands, along with my worry, my hurt, my anger, and my sorrow. Things will turn around. I know it.
I'm thankful for this season, as difficult as it may seem right now. I am. At least I'm learning in this process and hopefully will continue to grow in my faith and in character. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope and pray that you all are able to count your blessings, even in the low places in life. It's real life people. It happens and God is good... all the time!
I am so incredibly thankful for everything in my life. God and I have been on a roller coaster ride this year, but I am so thankful for Him and the salvation that I receive even though I don't deserve it. I'm thankful for my husband, who I've also been on the roller coaster of life with recently. Our circumstances have been hard lately, really hard, but he has stuck with me, still loves me and forgives me on a daily basis. He still tangles his feet with mine each night with unconditional love. I'm thankful for my son, who challenges me and gets more independent DAILY. He's my pride and joy and I live for those moments when I ask for a kiss and he leans in and makes a smacking noise and buries his head in my chest. There are a million other things I'm thankful for... a roof over our heads, my family, my in-laws, friends, food, my creative juices that produce so much joy.
So why am I feeling so blue? Well, this is the first Thanksgiving in four years that my parents have been in the state of California. They are spending it with my grandparents, my brother and his family, and my brother's in-laws. I'm extremely happy that they get to be with family, but in reality... I'm lonely.
We are at my in-laws. My husband has spent the day with his dad in his room, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law have kidnapped my child, and my brother-in-law has been in and out all day. Every time my little guy comes in and I try to be with him, play with him, feed him, whatever, my mother-in-law seems to override me in every sense of the word. All day, more anger and hurt has built up because I don't feel supported and I downright feel like I'm a failure. Adding insult to injury, all my little guy wants is what everyone else is offering, not Mommy.
I didn't get to talk to my family until the afternoon, and I didn't hear from one single friend wishing me a happy thanksgiving (until after I texted them)... Okay, that last part may seem weird, but we've spent many Thanksgivings down at my in-laws and I've enjoyed every year hearing from my friends all day, knowing that I'm thought of. This year, it wasn't there... Instantly, I don't blame them... I think... How bad of a friend am I that no one thinks of me? Life is so hard.
I know God is good. I know there is a purpose in this sorrow and season of life. I know there is. But this is real life. Of course, I go on Instagram and FB and see these happy, smiling faces and yummy huge meals, and I could get jealous, knowing that's not where I'm at. I could join them with a family photo of our own (the one of 27 that our little one was smiling because I was tickling his leg), but I don't do either of those. My husband often reminds me that Insta and FB are snapshots of the best of everyone's life, it doesn't show the whole picture.
I know that I have a happy life, a happy family, and friends that love me. I'm just in a low place and even as I'm writing, my spirits are being lifted. I don't know if it's just letting out my feelings, admitting the pain and feelings that I've been feeling all day. Or maybe it's truly God lifting my burden, because it's too heavy for me to carry on my own. I want to believe it's the second. He knows my sorrows. He wants to carry my burden, but I have to admit that I'm hurting and that I can't do it on my own in order for God to help me. I like to take control, even if it just is holding onto anger. I have control of that. But a simple little exercise that my dad taught me when I was a little girl comes to mind. Anytime I was angry and wouldn't let go of control, my dad would make me uncross my arms, unclench my fists, and hold out my hands with my palms up. Doing that always made me drop my defenses and I would picture my control being let go and floating up to God. I know that might sound completely hokey, but it's what I imagined as a little girl and I still do, to this day. Tonight, as I sat at the table before writing, I sat in front of my computer for a few minutes with my hands out, palms up. I know God has my control in his hands, along with my worry, my hurt, my anger, and my sorrow. Things will turn around. I know it.
I'm thankful for this season, as difficult as it may seem right now. I am. At least I'm learning in this process and hopefully will continue to grow in my faith and in character. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope and pray that you all are able to count your blessings, even in the low places in life. It's real life people. It happens and God is good... all the time!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Sweet Moments and Late Nights
Life is crazy right now. Uncertain. Busy. Disheartening.
So... we're 9 months down the road and still not quite sleeping through the night. Our little guy is still waking up about once a night (at least), but because of this stubborn momma, he's learned to soothe himself and go back to sleep.
Last night was a different story. You moms will know what I mean. I woke up to a screaming baby. SCREAMMMING. I woke up with a start, quickly pushed my phone's screen on. 2:08am. Ugghhhh. My stubborn streak screamed, "Let him figure it out." But something else told me,"Go to him." I obeyed the second voice. I was met by my little 9 month old with tears streaming down his face. My first thought... "I hate teething! I need sleep." I would have normally popped in his pacifier, laid him on his back, and left the room. Last night was different. I picked up my little guy and felt him take a breath of relief, then try to settle in my arms, but he was restless and continued to fuss. I gave him those fabulous natural teething tablets and fought the urge to put him down and get myself back to bed. I held him. I held him tight. I took him in my arms and started singing. The songs I started with were his usual "Jesus Loves Me," and "Mommy Loves Tre" to the tune of Frere Jacques. Then worship songs started pouring out of my mouth. By the third or fourth song, my wiggly, always ready to move son was nestled on my chest, breathing the deep breaths of sleep.
I was in little man's room for about 15 minutes total, but for the first time, I didn't want it to end. I could picture in my head 5 years from now, yearning for these moments of dependability and pure surrender into Mommy's arms. After putting him back in his crib, I lingered a bit, loving these precious moments. I'm tired. I'd love for this little guy to sleep through the whole night on a consistent basis, but I'll never have this time back. I love him... at every hour of every day.
And then, as I'm writing this, I realize... God feels the same way for all of his children... but times a million. He longs for us to want him, cry for him, find comfort in him. He wants us to find our greatest joy in Him. If we do this, we bring Him joy and we are safe in His arms.
In all the uncertainty of life right now, I cry out to Him. I want to rest in Him, knowing that we're safe and He's got a plan for all this craziness.
So... we're 9 months down the road and still not quite sleeping through the night. Our little guy is still waking up about once a night (at least), but because of this stubborn momma, he's learned to soothe himself and go back to sleep.
Last night was a different story. You moms will know what I mean. I woke up to a screaming baby. SCREAMMMING. I woke up with a start, quickly pushed my phone's screen on. 2:08am. Ugghhhh. My stubborn streak screamed, "Let him figure it out." But something else told me,"Go to him." I obeyed the second voice. I was met by my little 9 month old with tears streaming down his face. My first thought... "I hate teething! I need sleep." I would have normally popped in his pacifier, laid him on his back, and left the room. Last night was different. I picked up my little guy and felt him take a breath of relief, then try to settle in my arms, but he was restless and continued to fuss. I gave him those fabulous natural teething tablets and fought the urge to put him down and get myself back to bed. I held him. I held him tight. I took him in my arms and started singing. The songs I started with were his usual "Jesus Loves Me," and "Mommy Loves Tre" to the tune of Frere Jacques. Then worship songs started pouring out of my mouth. By the third or fourth song, my wiggly, always ready to move son was nestled on my chest, breathing the deep breaths of sleep.
I was in little man's room for about 15 minutes total, but for the first time, I didn't want it to end. I could picture in my head 5 years from now, yearning for these moments of dependability and pure surrender into Mommy's arms. After putting him back in his crib, I lingered a bit, loving these precious moments. I'm tired. I'd love for this little guy to sleep through the whole night on a consistent basis, but I'll never have this time back. I love him... at every hour of every day.
And then, as I'm writing this, I realize... God feels the same way for all of his children... but times a million. He longs for us to want him, cry for him, find comfort in him. He wants us to find our greatest joy in Him. If we do this, we bring Him joy and we are safe in His arms.
In all the uncertainty of life right now, I cry out to Him. I want to rest in Him, knowing that we're safe and He's got a plan for all this craziness.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
New life...
So... I've had this blog for a few years... written once or twice, not shared it with ANYONE... just a place for me to write. Well... my life is different, very, very different... and it's time to share. Time to step out of my little world and share my life... my heart, my God, my family, just plain old me!
So I mentioned I have a new life. Well there are several changes that I'd probably need to share for you to understand. First of all, I'm a mom! Wait, what?!?!?! Yep... my little guy is 8 1/2 months old! Holy cow! He's one of the hugest joys of my life. I guess that's what this post is about... my joys! Adjusting to life being a mom has been the craziest experience. That in itself should be a post, and will be in the future.
The second change in my life is that I have a new career. It's called being a professional stay-at-home. Wait... again... what? It's TRUE! I have given up my eight year career of teaching for a new one. Yes, I'm completely overwhelmed with joy that my husband and I have made this decision for my family, but it's a complete and total change of perspective and lifestyle.
The next change is my spiritual life. Okay...one more time... wait, what?!?!? I thought that you were a good Christian girl that loved Jesus and wanted to live her life out loud. Well, okay. Yep... that's what I thought too. But I guess that's a mind shift too. I truly do love Jesus... that's no different, but here I go.... putting myself out there... I don't think that I've loved Jesus to the fullest. I "used" him when I needed him. But now... I LOVE JESUS! I want to share him with everyone I meet. I want to read about Him. I want to learn more about Him. I want to talk about Him. I want to pray all the time. I have been at my church for almost seven years, and honestly, been "joyed" to death. I finally have gotten the picture. I have purpose and drive to find joy in Him.
So, that's me in a nutshell. Lots more to come. (When my busy little guy gives me a chance to write!) :)
So I mentioned I have a new life. Well there are several changes that I'd probably need to share for you to understand. First of all, I'm a mom! Wait, what?!?!?! Yep... my little guy is 8 1/2 months old! Holy cow! He's one of the hugest joys of my life. I guess that's what this post is about... my joys! Adjusting to life being a mom has been the craziest experience. That in itself should be a post, and will be in the future.
The second change in my life is that I have a new career. It's called being a professional stay-at-home. Wait... again... what? It's TRUE! I have given up my eight year career of teaching for a new one. Yes, I'm completely overwhelmed with joy that my husband and I have made this decision for my family, but it's a complete and total change of perspective and lifestyle.
The next change is my spiritual life. Okay...one more time... wait, what?!?!? I thought that you were a good Christian girl that loved Jesus and wanted to live her life out loud. Well, okay. Yep... that's what I thought too. But I guess that's a mind shift too. I truly do love Jesus... that's no different, but here I go.... putting myself out there... I don't think that I've loved Jesus to the fullest. I "used" him when I needed him. But now... I LOVE JESUS! I want to share him with everyone I meet. I want to read about Him. I want to learn more about Him. I want to talk about Him. I want to pray all the time. I have been at my church for almost seven years, and honestly, been "joyed" to death. I finally have gotten the picture. I have purpose and drive to find joy in Him.
So, that's me in a nutshell. Lots more to come. (When my busy little guy gives me a chance to write!) :)
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