My question of the day? Where do I belong? Today is a rough one. Not really what you expect for a Thanksgiving post, right? Downright selfish. Let me explain.
I am so incredibly thankful for everything in my life. God and I have been on a roller coaster ride this year, but I am so thankful for Him and the salvation that I receive even though I don't deserve it. I'm thankful for my husband, who I've also been on the roller coaster of life with recently. Our circumstances have been hard lately, really hard, but he has stuck with me, still loves me and forgives me on a daily basis. He still tangles his feet with mine each night with unconditional love. I'm thankful for my son, who challenges me and gets more independent DAILY. He's my pride and joy and I live for those moments when I ask for a kiss and he leans in and makes a smacking noise and buries his head in my chest. There are a million other things I'm thankful for... a roof over our heads, my family, my in-laws, friends, food, my creative juices that produce so much joy.
So why am I feeling so blue? Well, this is the first Thanksgiving in four years that my parents have been in the state of California. They are spending it with my grandparents, my brother and his family, and my brother's in-laws. I'm extremely happy that they get to be with family, but in reality... I'm lonely.
We are at my in-laws. My husband has spent the day with his dad in his room, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law have kidnapped my child, and my brother-in-law has been in and out all day. Every time my little guy comes in and I try to be with him, play with him, feed him, whatever, my mother-in-law seems to override me in every sense of the word. All day, more anger and hurt has built up because I don't feel supported and I downright feel like I'm a failure. Adding insult to injury, all my little guy wants is what everyone else is offering, not Mommy.
I didn't get to talk to my family until the afternoon, and I didn't hear from one single friend wishing me a happy thanksgiving (until after I texted them)... Okay, that last part may seem weird, but we've spent many Thanksgivings down at my in-laws and I've enjoyed every year hearing from my friends all day, knowing that I'm thought of. This year, it wasn't there... Instantly, I don't blame them... I think... How bad of a friend am I that no one thinks of me? Life is so hard.
I know God is good. I know there is a purpose in this sorrow and season of life. I know there is. But this is real life. Of course, I go on Instagram and FB and see these happy, smiling faces and yummy huge meals, and I could get jealous, knowing that's not where I'm at. I could join them with a family photo of our own (the one of 27 that our little one was smiling because I was tickling his leg), but I don't do either of those. My husband often reminds me that Insta and FB are snapshots of the best of everyone's life, it doesn't show the whole picture.
I know that I have a happy life, a happy family, and friends that love me. I'm just in a low place and even as I'm writing, my spirits are being lifted. I don't know if it's just letting out my feelings, admitting the pain and feelings that I've been feeling all day. Or maybe it's truly God lifting my burden, because it's too heavy for me to carry on my own. I want to believe it's the second. He knows my sorrows. He wants to carry my burden, but I have to admit that I'm hurting and that I can't do it on my own in order for God to help me. I like to take control, even if it just is holding onto anger. I have control of that. But a simple little exercise that my dad taught me when I was a little girl comes to mind. Anytime I was angry and wouldn't let go of control, my dad would make me uncross my arms, unclench my fists, and hold out my hands with my palms up. Doing that always made me drop my defenses and I would picture my control being let go and floating up to God. I know that might sound completely hokey, but it's what I imagined as a little girl and I still do, to this day. Tonight, as I sat at the table before writing, I sat in front of my computer for a few minutes with my hands out, palms up. I know God has my control in his hands, along with my worry, my hurt, my anger, and my sorrow. Things will turn around. I know it.
I'm thankful for this season, as difficult as it may seem right now. I am. At least I'm learning in this process and hopefully will continue to grow in my faith and in character. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope and pray that you all are able to count your blessings, even in the low places in life. It's real life people. It happens and God is good... all the time!
